They are hilarious.

They are ridiculous. 

They are outrageous. 

They are slightly nauseating. 

Just watch them.

Love it.

Don’t worry about answering now; just think about it. 

And while you consider my proposal, here’s something else-

Thanks to Missy Elliott, Pink, Mya, Lil’ Kim, and little Ms. Thang Xtina Aguilera, we’re all too familiar with the song “Lady Marmalade.” Even if you don’t speak French, you get that the song’s about prostitution, empowerment, sexual liberation, and high-rolling, which is waaaaay more politics than I care to discuss in this little baby blog post.

Bu there is that name: Lady Marmalade. I never thought it had any significance until I was sitting in History of The English Language listening to the prof explain the origins of the world “marmalade.” 

Somewhere along the way, apparently the world marmalade became embroiled with some less than wholesome connotations. 

A Marmalade Madame: a strumpet. 

A strumpet: a prostitute. 

I dunno…Do these women look like prostitutes to you? 

How was your summer? What did you do? Actually, don’t answer that. Because, really, I don’t care. Don’t get me wrong; the answers that Brown students furnish never fail to captivate. That internship with the BBC. The solo project of writing one’s memoir whilst circling the globe in a hot air balloon with only a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel for company. The fellowships that took us to amazing places— Jacarta and Beirut and Syria and Cape Town. Blah, blah, blah. As interesting as all of that is, it’s not what you did this summer that really I want to know about. I’m much more interested in who you did.

But maybe you’re shy and you’d rather not tell. Or maybe all that globetrotting left no time for trysts and flings (yeah, right). In any case, even if you’d rather not share the down’n’dirty, people still expect something. NBD; I’ve got your back. Remember Mad Libs? Fill in the blanks to the one below, and you’ll have the whole story of your summer romance set up for you. Don’t worry about it; you can thank me later.

HALT! IF YOU ARE ALONE, STOP READING RIGHT NOW. First, find a pen and a friend to help you flesh out the details. Mad Libs done all by themselves= Sad Libs. It’s no fun at all if you already know how they end.

I had the BEST summer. I met this ___________ and s/he was incredible. S/he actually kind of reminded me of 

                                                                         _guy/girl             

 _____________. I know, right? Hot. We met at ____________. After a steamy lapdance and a trip  to the     

   _{trashy celebrity                                                                  name of a stripclub}

VIP lounge, we  decided to get to know each other a little better. Well, one thing led to another and pretty soon

we were _______________________ in ___________ with __________________________ blaring

_{sexual activity ending in -ing}

 _location

         _{an extremely obnoxious pop song}

In the background. S/he had the sexiest  _____________ I’ve ever seen! The way s/he used it/them blew my mind.

_{non-sexual body part}

_{That first time, we fooled around for ______ hours until we finally couldn’t go any longer. Naturally, I was pretty} 

_number

wiped out. Seriously, it was the most ___________ sex of my life. No joke. We did all kind of things together. 

_adjective

_{S/he was really into ____________, but I was really  _____________.  So we tried both! And after a few times,} 

_{sexual fetish                                     another sexual fetish}

  _{I was totally hooked on both for life. We said goodbye last week. Of course, I felt _________. But being far away}

_adjective

from each other does have a silver lining. We’re really excited about cybersex now!

So, there you go. Memorize this and you’ll be all set next time someone asks.

And speaking of the Intertubes, in my jaunts around the World Wide Web to research this column, I often find content I can’t share with you due to the limitations of print media. When this happens, it makes me sad. Then one day I thought, “Hey! This is the 21^st century here! We are modern people! I am going to write a BLOG.” That’s right, Sexpertise is going hi-tech— www.sexperimentation.wordpress.com. People, get ready. I’m not sure how often I’ll post, but I bet you won’t regret the two minutes you spent on a visit. I’ll greatly value your patronage. And if you feel so inclined, leave a comment. Along with site hits, these too are treasured by bloggers the world over.

So until next week, stop by the blog and say hey. In regards to your sex life, do like they do on The Magic School Bus: Take [safe] chances! Make Mistakes! And GET MESSY!

I spent my summer blogging, and this particular outlet for creative expression has since become dear to my heart. 

I have been accused in the past of loving my blog, an inanimate object, a little too much. However, I think I’m a far cry from some of the subjects of the documentary Objectum Sexualis featured in the clip below.

Ok, yes. This particular paraphilia is extra-exceptionally weird. But after I picked up my jaw from off the floor, it wasn’t revulsion that I felt as much as sadness. These women talk about fences and rollercoasters the way other people talk about their human partners. Because at the end of the day, no matter how sexy a rollercoaster’s lube smells, it’s never going to be able return any feelings of deep affection or care.